7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence
by: Patrick E. Merlevede, Denis Bridoux, Rudy Vandamme
Topics include: neurological levels model, synchronization categories, unspecific noun, change the submodalities, resourceful state, your conversation partner, perceptual positions, emotionally intelligent person, representation channels, your internal state, manage your emotions, accessing cues, positive intention, traveling couple, rapport with others
Book Description
7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence reveals the structuring beneath Emotional Intelligence (EI), utilising its unique framework to combine EI and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) the study of excellence that examines how behaviour is neurologically formulated. 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence confidently integrates the insights of EI and NLP to promote a greater understanding of how emotions work and how they can be worked upon. This book is driven by one important message, 'Don't just think about it, do it!' A model-based guide packed with powerful NLP exercises and self-assessment techniques, it allows you to generate your own tricks, and to partake in an intensive EQ excellence course that utilises the self-programming practices of NLP. A thoroughly structured, functionally formatted guide to improving your EQ, 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence serves as a textbook of EI theory, a manual of NLP techniques, and a workbook that systematically leads you through the process of dynamic EQ improvement. It answers the essential EI questions: what do my emotions mean?; how do I manage my emotions?; how can I deal with conflicts in an emotionally intelligent way?; what motivates people and how can I take that into account?; how can I handle situations in the best possible way?; how do I get what I want?
From the Author
We wrote this book because we are committed to help to increase the worlds EQ. We really believe that this book will help you. Its contents are based on material we have been teaching since 1997 and which have proved to increase participants emotional Intelligence.
However, since this book has been written, we haven't stopped. Therefore, if you buy this book, you'll get free access to 2 assessment tools at the jobEQ.com website. The COMET tool will assess your level of competency in relationship to 11 topics we teach in "7 Steps". The report generated will help you focus your learning efforts on specifc sections of the book. The iWAM tool will help determine your preferences in terms of meta-programs that are discussed in the second half of lesson 4. Buying this book entitles you to the full iWAM management report.
Finally, our commitment to our readers means that we remain available for e-mail discussion to help our readers to get more out of our materials.
About the Author
Patrick E. Merlevede MSc is an organisational consultant and trainer specialising in Emotional Intelligence and knowledge management. He currently runs his own successful company, Acknowledge CBVA, and is a practising trainer and consultant. Patrick graduated from the KU Leuven, Belgium, as Commercial Engineer and Master of Artificial Intelligence & Cognitive Science. He is certified as an NLP trainer and modeller by the NLP University in Santa Cruz, California.
Excerpted from 7 STEPS TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE by Patrick E. Merlevede. Copyright 2001. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved Classic intelligence and rational thinking have dominated western society for centuries. It was Freud who showed, through his analysis of the unconscious, that there is more to us than rational thinking. Since Freud, the development of psychology has brought us the insight that a person's actions aren't just rational or logical. Emotional Intelligence seems a good term to name the effect of our "non rational" way of thinking and being, even if the source of this intelligence has kept researchers busy from fields such as psychology, anthropology and sociology for the last 150 years. From our definition you learned that Emotional Intelligence means "to be able to reach your goals by interacting with your environment". But what is it really? In Daniel Goleman's book "Emotional Intelligence" you'll find some vague terms as perseverance, self-confidence, enthusiasm and self-motivation. These elements are connected to your emotional state. If you put yourself in a resourceful state, you can access your perseverance, self-confidence, enthusiasm and self-motivation. The definition of Peter Savoley, a professor at Yale University, adds self- awareness and empathy to these characteristics of Emotional Intelligence. Empathy is "the ability to identify with and understand another's situation, feelings, and motives". Observation skills help you to achieve this: you can learn to "read" what is someone's emotional state and use this information to improve your ability to enter into the part which is required of you. Summarizing the above, we can say that Emotional Intelligence is a container term which encloses a series of skills one has acquired more or less intuitively. The best salespersons, lawyers, politicians and psychologists have often developed these skills to a high degree and use them unconsciously. This book will bring your abilities back to your conscious awareness and explain to you the structure of these skills, thus giving you even more control over them than you thought possible. All too often, it seems that people lack perseverance when they need it most or lose control over their emotions in difficult situations. Aristotle expressed it this way: "Everybody can get angry - that's easy. But getting angry at the right person, with the right intensity, at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way - that's hard." A manager who loses their temper may not reach their goal and instead risks losing their credibility with their employees. A consultant who thinks they can outsmart people while working in a company will create resistance instead of gaining respect. A parent using their physical superiority to impose rules upon a child (because there doesn't seem to be another way?) will stimulate anger and resentment in this child. Moreover, as the child grows older the physical advantage disappears and this strategy to "convince" the child will stop working. Finding constructive ways to use your emotions is the key. Now try this: put down this book, stand up and bend your upper body so that you (almost) can touch the ground with your hands. Now say: "I feel successful". You will notice that it is very hard to feel successful in such a position. This body posture doesn't "fit" with the feeling. And here is a second one: stand up straight, head up, shoulders back, belly pulled inwards and say: "I feel sad". Again you'll notice incongruency between body posture and feeling. We'll investigate this matter in chapter 4 and you will learn what elements influence your emotional state. Finally we'd like you to consider the following: the well known geniuses of this world weren't perfect. Most of them only excelled in one or a few specific areas of life. Walt Disney didn't want to pay tribute to his collaborators for the work they did, claiming he did it all. President J.F. Kennedy is known for chasing women around the White House. Martin Luther King did beat up his wife, etc. Given our definition of Emotional Intelligence it would appear that all these public figures had areas in their life where their EQ failed on them. They were quite lucky to be able to keep these areas out of the public attention.
Practical skills at last...As a consultant and trainer in Organisational in Emotional Intelligence and an NLP Practitioner I applaud the work of Patrick Merlevede, Bridoux and Vandamme. 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence has offered me an unparalleled resource in my consulting, training and tools for EQ and Exec. Coaching.
I have read a number of books of late on the burgeoning topic of Emotional Intelligence, which include: The emotionally intelligent workplace (Cherniss and Goleman), Emotional Intelligence at Work (Goleman), Executive EQ (Cooper and Sawaf). In my opinion, these books successfully answer the 2 basic questions- Why EQ and What is EQ? What has not been successfully addressed till now is How-EQ?
After presenting compelling evidence to change, anecdotes that inspire, highly developed and statistically reliable measurements, one is then `left hanging' with no concrete methods of effecting this change. Goleman (Emotional Intelligence at Work) offers no `answers' his later text with Cary Cherniss discusses the `what of EI training' but not how this can be achieved. Developers of the EQ Map, Dr Cooper and Esther Orioli (Q Metrics) have engineered a 21day program to build EQ, one competency at a time (frustratingly slow process that uses the conscious mind and determination to bring about change). I do not doubt the merits of such a program but I find it interesting that we insist on the latest in software and computer technology but are still using outdated systems to utilising the brilliance of the human machine in creating change.
Most recent thinking acknowledges that all human behaviour, learning and change occur at the unconscious level. That is, at the level of the programs we are running, the coding behind the behaviour. To be lasting and effective, change must occur at this level. My own experience of many years counselling and coaching has verified this dictum.
I believe that NLP `the study of excellence' has always had the `answers'. The difficulty has arisen in the somewhat theoretical, academic (and to many) abstract `packaging' of its tools and methodology, which has made it inaccessible to the `many'.
Merlevede has achieved what I have not found in any other single text on EQ or NLP. He presents NLP through the filters of real life experience and personal wisdom to bring the power of these processes to a much wider audience. The authors have provided an easy to follow, concrete and complete program on: Why EQ, What (is) EQ, How EQ and What if EQ (in what other environments can I utilise these skills). At last- the total package-that works!
The book is filled with the powerful tools of NLP laced with practical examples and metaphors that inspire. It acts as reference text for consultants, trainers, coaches, NLP practitioners, leaders, executives and individuals who simply want to be their best and begin to utilise more of their vast and untapped potential.
Reviews:
Which emotional intelligence book you buy, depends on your needs: Some books merely discuss WHY EQ is important (as Goleman did in 1996) Other books show WHAT is important (for instance Goleman's 2nd book on this subject: "Emotional Intelligence at Work" in 1998) Some books give you TESTS (see Executive EQ with Cooper & Sawaf) Some books are simple , but too basic (give you just some TRICKS)and others are too theoretic (like Bar-on 2000).
All of that is interesting, BUT leaves you wondering, HOW do I really develop my emotional intelligence?
That's why this book is so great: not only does it give a good theoretical introduction, but you learn HOW we live our emotional lives (mostly based on techniques from cognitive science field, and its applications, such as NLP) AND you learn how to use this techniques + you get exercises to start working on it.
Recommended if you want to get a good mix of a intelligent and emotional explanation.
But where is the Emotional Intelligence?
Firstly, let's be very clear that this is NOT a book about Emotional Intelligence. It is a book about the authors' ideas on about NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and how to apply NLP techniques. Whether it is about applying NLP to the subject of Emotional Intelligence depends on what definition of "emotional intelligence" is being used.
I have been told by one of the authors that "the book contains at least 25% typical emotional intelligence material"
Is it really adequate to have "at least 25% typical emotional intelligence material" in a book called "7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence"?
And what, in this context, is meant by "typical"?
In my opinion it certainly is NOT, for example, "typical" EI in the sense that Daniel Goleman or Salovey and Mayer use the term. Indeed, I'd be surprised if there was as much as 6 pages of material in the entire book that corresponds to any generally accepted definition of "emotional intelligence".
As far as I could see, it looked as though the definition of EI used here was made up for the occasion, partly on the basis of a book by Leslie Cameron-Bandler and Michael Lebeau called "The Emotional Hostage". Indeed, "7 Steps" takes Goleman to task for not having read "The Emotional Hostage" and claims that if he had read it then he "might have been [sic] reached very different conclusions" (on page 355). Yet strangely enough, though "The Emotional Hostage" is praised effusively, "7 Steps" also fails to reflect the key ideas in that book.
To be fair, these points might have been pardonable, to some extent, if the book actually added very much to our understanding of NLP, or at least showed us how to use NLP effectively in relation to our emotions. But in my opinion it does nothing of the kind. Of course that isn't so surprising since NLP itself has has always been much more interested in dealing with thoughts rather than with emotions. It is a significant gap in NLP's coverage of human psychology, and it's a great pity this book doesn't do anything at all, as far as I could see, to rectify the situation.
So, if you want a book on Emotional Intelligence, you'll be better off sticking with Goleman and other "mainstream" EI writers.
If you want an introduction to NLP then "Introducing NLP" by O'Connor and Seymour, or "NLP Workbook" by O'Connor are both far better options than this.
It works!
I am a consultant, coach, and trainer since 1983. I work across Canada, the U.S., and France on a variety of services including Culture by Design - helping companies determine their culture and adapting it to the internal and external environment - Performance Management Process, Process Improvement, and Executive Excellence (coaching). I constantly use the concepts and techniques proposed in this book. I know they work - from needs analysis, to proposal writing, closing, and delivery.
I found this book to be the clearest and most practical one on EQ. Some books are determined to tell you WHY and WHAT, but many authors aim to self-promote themselves so that you have to buy the HOW through their services. Not so with this book. This is no rehash or repackaging of NLP and EQ. The exercises proposed and the examples given are practical. Lots of meat with no fat. Just go ahead and use it. You prefer more? Try their web site addresses and see how you can enhance your professional practice. I did. I found the most friendly and fastest service than I have ever seen. You want to confirm your answers to those exercises? Write them, they will send them to you. Fast, efficient, friendly. Reflects the tone of the book. Get this book, study it, and apply it. It works!
Sorry to disagree with the other reviewers, but
I bought this book instead of the Goleman book because all the reviewers indicated that the Goleman book was lacking in practical advice as to how to apply the theory to achieve results in your life.
Unfortunately, I found 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence even less useful due to the extremely technical, academic presentation style and the focus on Neuro Linguistic Programming. I didn't realize I was buying an NLP book...I thought this would be primarily a book about emotional intelligence.
Being an engineer, academic or technical presentation styles are usually not a problem for me, but I just found that I didn't want to spend 90% of my time comprehending NLP and only 10% learning about emotional intelligence.
If you are already very familiar with NLP, this book may be what you are looking for. If not, you may be disappointed, as I was.
Practical and well-founded at the same time!
This book is the first I came accross on the topic that really helped me develop my personal emotional intelligence. If you really want to get the most out of this book, don't underestimate it. Some even say that you could organize a 20-day course just to teach the contents of this book!
If you only look from a scientific perspective, some may call it "gibberish" or "new age", because it's not full of citations of theory (even if there are 90+ footnotes), but for me that just means these "scientists" don't understand what emotional intelligence is all about (let alone that they are willing to spend the time to learn it and put it into practice). Probably the same kind of people that are still unhappy that the IQ is less important they have always claimed. This reminds me of some companies that say their people and their emotional intelligence is important on day 1 and then fire 10.000 people by e-mail on day 2 (seems Goleman is the kind of consultant that company asks to come over on day 3).
I truely enjoyed it and liked the writing style. But only buy it if you are serious about doing someting to improve your emotional intelligence or if you want to try it out and find out what will work for you.